Ben Esra telefonda seni bosaltmami ister misin?
Telefon Numaram: 00237 8000 92 32
The Parts that Didn’t Air…
Robert Anderson interviews Jan Crawford
An interview with Jan Crawford, a 43-year-old Texas woman who was born without arms – the backstory…
RA: You didn’t date much in high school?
JC. I really didn’t date at all, until my senior year. You may not remember what it was like in high school in the 80s and 90s, but let me tell you, in Pasadena High School things were tough unless you were a member of the in-crowd. Remember the story of the Pom-Pom Mom? Well, that was the next town over, and all that stuff happened long after I graduated, but things weren’t that much different at Pasadena when I was there.
(The Pom-Pom Mom was a woman from Channelview, Texas, a Houston suburb, whose daughter was running for cheerleader. She was convicted of soliciting a hit man to murder a rival’s mother so the girl would drop out of the competition.)
RA. You were not part of the in-crowd…
JC. (Laughs) You could say that. I had plenty of friends coming up in school. Everybody knew me, and nobody thought much about me one way or another. Not that I was anonymous or anything – after all, I was the only girl in school who ate lunch with her feet. (Laughs) But for the most part, everybody was used to me and nobody paid me that much attention.
When we all got into our teens, I finally noticed that the girls and the boys were pairing off, and none of the boys – I did have friends who were boys, too, just like most of the girls back then – but I was never anybody’s “girlfriend.” I remember thinking, when I started high school, OK, now the boys would start to notice me,’ and I kinda looked forward to it. I knew I was pretty enough – a girl knows when she’s pretty… besides, I had gorgeous long legs and boobs – nice big boobs, even back then. I really felt like I was as nice-looking as any of the girls. And my family had always reenforced that, too. My folks always told me how beautiful I was, and even my brothers said I was the best-looking one in the family.
RA. But nothing worked…
JC. Nothing worked. All through high school, until my senior year, I was never asked out on a date. Oh, I went to plenty of parties, slumber parties with the girls, I was invited to go to rock concerts with groups, and things like that, but never did a boy ask me to go out with him. Looking back, I understand now that none of them could face the peer pressure of asking an armless girl to go out, let alone having it said that he had an armless girlfriend.
RA. So what happened your senior year?
JC. It really started at the end of my junior year. That was the time of the big class party, the Junior Prom. It was a big deal, the Homecoming Queen for next year was elected then, and everybody threw themselves into it, especially the girls. I got on the decorating committee, the ticket committee, etc., I spent as much time on it as anybody in the class – but I ended up not having a date. None of the boys asked me to the prom.
RA. Were you surprised?
JC. Well, not really. I kinda knew it was going to happen – after all, nobody had been interested in taking me anywhere else up to that time. Some of the other girls didn’t have dates either and were going to dress up and just go anyway. My mother wanted me to do that, to go with the girls, but I wouldn’t. I was mad, hurt, depressed – I was convinced my life was over. I really didn’t know what to do. I had never felt lower.
And then Tim, my wonderful, handsome, gallant big brother, said he would take me to the dance. My mother might have put him up to it – they both have always denied it – but I didn’t care. I was going to the party, with a man, a real man – after all, he was five years older and was graduating from college! From Texas A & M, no less, where he was Cadet Colonel, which made him head of the Corps of Cadets. He would take me to the dance in his Corps dress uniform, complete with Sam Brown belt and jodhpurs! I swear I nearly fainted at the prospect.
I’d always loved Timmy – we were very close as kids, despite our age difference. I’ve always appreciated Tim would do that for me, and I’ll never forget it. So, mom and I went shopping for a dress.
I was determined to just blow away those silly, juvenile boys who didn’t have the guts to ask an armless girl to the dance, no matter how pretty she was. And I was determined to show that there was nothing about myself that I was ashamed of, not even my shoulders that had no arms. So, I bought a black taffeta sheath dress, off the shoulder of course, with a skirt so short I had to buy a special pair of panty hose that could be seen without revealing too much (remember, this was the 80s – short skirts were in style, especially for young girls). I knew I had the chest to hold it up, at least with a special long strapless bra that was so complicated my mother had to put it on for me.
And for the final touch, I bought a pair of strappy black heels, so high I could escort bursa barely walk in them. I couldn’t have worn them with anybody but Tim, since I’m 5′ 11″ in my bare feet, but fortunately, Tim is 6′ 5″. I told him he had to hold onto me every minute – if I fell off those heels, I would have just had to leave school and move to Alaska or someplace (Laughs). My mom was dubious, to say the least, but she went along, understanding that it was no ordinary occasion.
Timmy, bless his heart, nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw me, his 16-year-old kid sister, all legs and tits and long blonde hair, but he gamely pinned on the white orchid corsage he’d brought, and off we went.
RA. You must have been a sensation.
JC. Oh, ‘sensation’ doesn’t begin to cover it! When Tim and I walked in, you could hear the buzz. The whole crowd just kind of gravitated over to the entrance to have a look. I saw boys’ tongues hanging out, girls turning green with envy. I ignored them all. One girl stormed out of the room after her date made some crack. I didn’t hear what he said, but I just smiled.
RA. Did the party finally settle down so you could have a good time?
JC. Oh, yes. The music didn’t stop playing, so Tim swept me onto the dance floor. The rest of the crowd followed along, but I could still feel all eyes on me, and for once it was a great feeling!
RA. And that started your dating experience?
JC. Yes, I’d have to say that. Several boys came up and asked me to dance, or tried to cut in. Tim looked at them with a ‘what do you want’ look, and I’d smile sweetly and say, ‘maybe later.’
RA. You didn’t dance with anybody else?
JC. No, not that night. We got there about nine and left about midnight, and I was just floating. The dance lasted longer, of course, but I’d made my point, and really felt I’d made a breakthrough as far as school was concerned. And I have to say again, I’ll never forget what Tim did for me that night. He really changed my life, and I’ll always be grateful.
I tried to let the boys who paid me some attention know that I appreciated them too, and was not running them off, and sure enough, I started getting phone calls the next day, which was Saturday. And by the end of the weekend, I had been asked out a half dozen times and accepted two dates.
RA. So, things worked out better after that?
JC. Pretty much, I’d have to say. At least I felt like I was equal to a “normal” girl. I’d give you finger quotes there if I had any fingers (laughs). But looking back, I guess that was all I was after, just to be treated like anybody else.
RA. But the dates were okay?
JC. Well, again, I think they were about like everybody else’s at that time. Like, some of them were nice, some awkward, some terrible. But the point is, they were just like everybody else’s.
RA. Did you find out that some boys were dating you because you didn’t have arms?
JC. Not really, not in the way we understand it now. At least I didn’t snap to it. There were some who had their hands on my shoulders a lot, but I thought they were just curious, or being affectionate, and unless the guy was a creep otherwise, it didn’t really bother me.
RA. Did some of them try to go farther?
JC. Oh, sure. Remember, for a high school girl I had really big boobs, and I figured that once they got past the arms thing, the boys were treating me like any other big-titted girl – that is, they wanted to play with ’em. I had a couple of big-chested girlfriends who assured me that it was pretty standard for their dates to try something as soon as they thought they could get away with it. And while I had my share of creeps – like all the girls, I think – if I liked the guy and he wasn’t too obnoxious about it, I let him play a bit. Again, I was kind of pleased to be treated in a “normal” way. There’s those missing finger-quotes again.” (A giggle this time).
RA. But that’s as far as it went?
JC. Oh, yeah. Well, there were a couple of guys I really liked, and we’d go at it hot and heavy sometimes, but I never let anyone past my panties, and I graduated high school still a virgin. In that respect, at that time, I’m pretty sure I was in the minority, but that was okay with me.
RA. What about college?
JC. Ah, that’s were things started to change.
RA. Where did you go to school?
JC. University of Houston. I was admitted to Rice and UT and Baylor – in fact, if you don’t mind if I brag a minute, I was admitted to every school I applied to – I was always very good in school, and graduated near the top of my class – but in the end I chose U of H because it wasn’t as expensive, and it wasn’t so far from home, and several of my friends were going there, including my best friend. I was still gaining confidence in myself at this point. I wanted to live on campus, away from home, but I wanted to be able to come home whenever I felt like it, and the fact that there were people there görükle escort I knew pretty well, made a lot of difference.
RA. What was your dating experience like there?
JC. Much improved, I’d have to say. I’m sure there was still some reluctance from some guys to be seen with an armless girl, but nothing like high school. And it seemed that the ones who were interested were not about to be deterred by any juvenile negative peer pressure. So, as a nice-looking girl with big tits and good legs (sorry, bragging again – but you did ask!) I got asked out quite often, and I had what best I could figure was a normal social life. I felt good about myself, there was no desperation, and I had enough invitations that I could make choices, just as any other girl would.
RA. Did your choices turn out to be good ones?
JC. Again, about the average, I suppose. There were some creeps, some nice guys, and some real keepers, too – more about him later! (Big grin). But of course, as a college freshman I was more interested in having fun. I was a psych major, at least for the first year, but eventually that seemed pretty useless, so later I switched to marketing and business.
RA. Is that where you met Vidal?
JC. Yes. That was my junior year, and he was in one of my classes. I spotted him right away, and thought he was the sexiest man I’d ever seen!
Now I consider this some kind of breakthrough, since never before would I have had the nerve to approach a man like that. But by then I’d had a huge boost of confidence, compared to my high school years, and I finagled to sit near him, flirt a little, and let him know I was interested.
RA. How did that go?
JC. Oh, not as well as I would have liked (another big grin), but by then I was competitive enough to not just give up, and I didn’t. We were both in a statistics class that I was having trouble with, so one afternoon after class I followed him to the library where he was studying and, well, got him to help me with my homework. And I don’t mean just statistics, either.
I guess it was pretty blatant, but I did just what I always do: I sat at a study table and used my feet. When I study, I sling the books around with my feet, I write and take notes, type on my laptop, all with my feet – well, you get the idea. I have my feet and legs on the table doing everything everybody else is doing with their hands and arms. At first, it’s a real shocker, I know, but pretty soon the novelty wears off and nobody pays that much attention.
I made sure I picked the same table Vidal had selected and sat across from him so it was impossible for him not to notice me. I did get my studying done, but I was in bed with Vidal that very evening.
RA. And that was your first time?
JC. With Vidal, yes. But keep in mind, that was the beginning of my junior year, and I’d spent my entire freshman and sophomore years partying. Along with confidence I gained the ability to please a man thoroughly and completely, and to enjoy myself immensely in the process.
Now don’t get the wrong impression here, but I have to tell you: it turns out I have a really strong libido. Once I’d got past the virginity thing, it was full speed ahead, and nothing has slowed me down since.
RA. No further trouble getting dates?
JC. I guess ‘no further trouble’ would be a bit of an overstatement, but from what I could observe, and from what my friends told me, I was having a good percentage of success. That is, my dating life was, well, kinda like everybody else’s, with ups and downs, and creeps and keepers.
RA. Do you think, by this time, not having arms was no longer a barrier?
JC. I’ve thought about that, and I’m guessing there’s no way to tell for sure. If a guy thought he might want to approach me for a date but didn’t because of the arms thing, it’s not likely I’d ever know. And, by then I’d begun to understand how strong the devotee feeling is in some guys, so I figured that everything, like, balanced out, you know? Anyway, however it worked out, I had plenty of dates, and plenty of opportunity – I mean, I had choices. If a guy was a creep, I didn’t have to go out with him just because I was afraid I’d be stuck at home. And, if I saw a guy I liked – Vidal is an example – I was confident enough to go after him, the same way any of the other girls would have.
RA. Any idea what percentage of your prospects were devotees?
JC. I couldn’t give a percentage, I guess, but an awful lot of ’em turned out to be. I can’t really say – not all of ’em said anything or did anything out of the ordinary, but I did suspect some guys, even though they weren’t very obvious about it.
RA. Did it make any difference to you, just why they wanted to date you?
JC. No, not really. I’ve met some amputee girls who think the whole dev thing is just the sleaziest and most creepy thing they could ever imagine, but I don’t feel that way at all. For one thing, none of the guys I’ve known have had the slightest idea why they have the dev feeling, it’s just been there, all their lives, and they’re certainly not trying to hurt people with it. All-in-all, it seems harmless to me, and if anything, I’d tend to agree with that one-legged Russian woman who says it’s God’s gift to amputee girls. (Laughs)
Now I have learned one thing: some of the guys who come on to me because I’m an amp and they’re a dev, can never get past that. I mean, to them their feelings never go any deeper than the amputation. I think it’s the same as a guy chasing a girl because she has big tits – unless there is more to it than that – or there gets to be more to it than that – the relationship isn’t going anywhere. I found that out the hard way a couple of times.
RA. Vidal…?
JC. Sad to say, yes, Vidal turned out to be one of those guys. I found out after Little Vidal was born that he was running around on me.
RA. You’d moved out of school by then, hadn’t you?
JC. Yes. I met Vidal in October of my junior year, and we moved in together after just a couple of weeks. I certainly thought – and I believe he also thought – that we were meant for each other. By the beginning of the second semester, in January, I found out I was pregnant. We were both thrilled about it, and the timing seemed to be right, since Vidal would be graduating in the spring and had a job waiting for him in the family construction business. The plan was, we’d get married in June as soon as graduation was over.
RA. Is that what happened?
JC. It did. And since Vidal’s business was mostly in the Houston area at that time, we bought a house in Kingwood, a suburb northeast of the city. It was a beautiful place – though it’s a little isolated, it’s even north of the airport up there – and we settled in to await our first child. Little Vidal was born in August, and I dropped out of school – well, I didn’t go back for my senior year – to stay home with the baby.
RA. How did you feel about leaving school before you graduated?
JC. Well, it wasn’t what I would have chosen. Even with all the excitement and drama, I carried a 4.0 average and was slated for all kinds of awards and honors classes. I’d planned to go on to graduate school, though I hadn’t really decided exactly what field. I did enjoy academic life, though, and I thought I could find a place in it somewhere.
RA. But you gave up and stayed home with the baby.
JC. Yes. It didn’t feel like a sacrifice at the time, because I loved being a mom, and Vidal, bless him, was and is a wonderful dad.
RA. But later…?
JC. Yeah, later. Vidal had to do a lot of travel in his job, since the company had projects all over the southwest, and he was responsible for them – not day-to-day, but in general. Anyway, I was left home with the baby a lot, usually a week at a time. Vidal would come in for the weekend, spend a couple of weeks on the projects around the Houston area, and then head back out for another week on the road.
But as I say, it didn’t really bother me that much. I wasn’t stuck in the house, after all. I could go out to my folks for a day, or even let mom keep Little Vidal while I went out shopping or had lunch with my girlfriends. I really thought things were going great.
And then one day I had lunch with one of the girls from Vidal’s office whom I’d gotten to know well, and after a lot of carrying on she let me in on a rumor that Vidal was running around with girls from the offices in Austin, Dallas and San Antonio.
RA. You didn’t think she was just jerking your chain…?
JC. At first, I didn’t believe her, no. But as time went on, I got more and more details, and they seemed to fit. The girls in Austin and San Antonio, it turned out, were both one-legged, and the girl in Dallas had both legs off. Apparently, he’d been doing all three of them off and on since before he met me. The girls in the office in Houston knew about it because all three of the girls Vidal was doing worked in the construction company offices in those cities. Word got around because Vidal was considered a ‘hunk’, and since he was a family member and an executive of the company, the girls were all pissed when he turned out to be chasing “crippled” girls instead of them.
RA. What did you do then?
JC. Well needless to say, I was devastated. I really didn’t know what to do. I was not able to go out on my own, even if a divorce went smoothly and I got plenty of money from Vidal. I had dreams of going back to school, finishing my degree, and going on with my education. Living on my own with a young child would certainly not help that. Finally, I made the decision not to confront Vidal, at least not yet. I would go back to school, finish my degree, and then look at things from a different perspective.
Besides, there was the arms thing.
RA. What do you mean?
JC. Well, as much as I like to think I’m just like anybody else, I’ve never been able to be entirely sure of myself. No matter what, when people first see me, they can’t help thinking that I’m utterly helpless. I mean, what would you think the first time you saw somebody who has no arms?